July 1st! For all those astrologists, I am aware that "cancer season" started a couple of days ago; but, it's my birthday month so shush. I found myself laughing after the happenings of the day, which were so "crab season" . I must preface this emotional day with a note about my life-saving nutritionist, Laura Lyons ( Laura's Instagram ). I am certain that had this happened prior to working with her and balancing my minerals that I would still be crying and suffering in my obsessive mind.
I have had a hard time regulating my nervous system, for years. Since 2013 to be exact. I've done all the activities like yoga and meditation and observation but my nervous system continues to be very reactive. I couldn't figure it out- I sought out specialists, read books, etc. addressing the mind and emotions but didn't address my nutrition. And, they are connected! Side note- The Holistic Psychologist wrote a book, "How to do the Work", which illustrates this connection. I just happen to be reading it and it's enlightening, I highly recommend. I digress. If our nutrition is off, our bodies cannot heal. I could go on and on about this and plan on sharing all the details of the journey, another time. At any rate, the littlest things can trigger a full blown fight or flight response regardless of how I mentally and emotionally feel. My body was stuck in that fight or flight mode for so long that it became "normal" . Pile on 2020, moving, then living in a toxic apartment the fight or flight mode burned by body out, yet again. It wasn't optimal to begin with and I was fueling it (or not fueling it) incorrectly. So it's all good, I am on the path to actually healing and regulating. I accept that it will take time and consistency. Back to my day......
I woke up feeling so refreshed. Bruiser, my senior dog, slept through the night hence I slept through the night. I was feeling good and ready to tackle the day. I did my morning stuff. I went out in the beautiful sunshine and took my daily walk. I was jamming to some fresh tunes, singing along, and even busting out some of my signature dance moves as I was walking. I was reflecting on my 30s and at first I felt unaccomplished and in lack and all the negative. Then, I recalled all the things I accomplished in my 30s and I said to myself, "girl, shut the front door you killed it". My walks are also where I find great music for my yoga classes. I don't have my spotify organized so it goes from gangster to classical to chill and everything in-between. Since I'm out moving I skip the slow, chill tunes and save them for yoga playlists that I carefully and methodically put together and create for a super chill yoga class along with my theme. I also find inspiration for all things creative. Walking really gets the good energy flowing. So, as I was walking and dancing and singing and feeling really good I continued to have this internal conversation. "My 40s will be the time of "FuckItAll", standing in my truth, radiating confidence, and receiving clarity and if not, being ok with that. " I continue with this dialogue for my walk and really feeling amazing. Then, I swung to the other end of the figurative pendulum.
Without going into great detail because it really does not matter, my feelings were hurt. It's so minute in the grand scheme of things, it really is. But I felt attacked and really hurt, from a complete stranger! It was something I guarantee would have never been said to my face. It's fine. When I was mayor, I went through a character defamation campaign and was obliterated in the media and in social media and I would read all of the comments, I don't know why. I take things so personally from people that I would never take advice from, it's crazy. I'm sensitive, I'm aware of that but I still feel the urge to defend myself even though I don't act on that urge. So this "event" happened and I went into observing how it felt in my body. I felt a lump in my throat, my chest felt tight, my breath became shorter, I felt like I was going to pass out. Then, I cried. At first, I tried to suck it up and I told myself it was no big deal. Then I realized that I've been doing that all my life and it doesn't work. So, I felt the emotions. I felt my body go into fight or flight mode because that's what it does over the littlest things. But then I noticed something else.
Maybe 20 minutes passed, I texted my mom, my sis, and my partner looking for validation. And then my body came back to "normal", it came out of fight or flight. Then, I laughed at the irony of all of the day's activities, the date, and all the emotions, and then I went for a swim. No, I didn't swim in a puddle of my tears, I soaked in the pool. Had this happened 2 months ago, prior to working with Laura and learning of and working to correct my mineral deficiencies and other issues, I would have spent the day crying, feeling totally worthless, obsessing over not feeling good enough, and would have been so physically wiped out that I would have slept all day, maybe 2 days.
I'm sure I'll always be sensitive, I'm a cancer, I can't turn it off. And I don't want to. I understand others much more and I like that, I empathize and though that is very draining at times it is also a gift that I won't take for granted. Alas, my body is finally healing and my nervous system is able to regulate better because it is nourished and fueled properly. How cool! My 40s will still be a decade of "FuckItAll" and empowerment and owning my truth and using my voice.
May you Believe
May you Love
May you Understand
May you Empower
xoxommmmmm
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