Que Sera, Sera (Whatever will be, will be) or Carpe Diem, that is the question.
I really enjoy helping others and being there for people but sometimes I really need someone to be there for me as well. I'm thankful that over the years I've learned how to retreat and search within myself for direction and comfort; alas, that shoulder is helpful and makes a difference.
I cannot believe summer is almost over. I feel like time is flying by and I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. There is so much I want to accomplish and expereince in life but panic is setting in and I'm thinking that before I know it I'll be old, alone, unable to move much, and in a nursing home with people that I won't be able to remember from hour to hour. Yikes! There is one thing that I have dreamt about since I was a little girl and at times it feels like it is within reach but other times it feels so far away, I want it now but there is nothing that I can do to expedite the process. Patience Grasshopper, Patience. I know.
The Rev3 is now less than a month away and I'm really doubting my training or lack thereof. This was a really fun race last year and I feel that if I do not do it than I'm a failure. It's still something that I really want to do and I will continue to work towards this goal, but I really need to start taking it easy on myself and chill out with the black and white thinking. It feels like I'm putting myself under way more pressure and stressing out about the future way more than I need to be doing. I completed a 45 mile bike ride and 6 mile run brick workout this past Sunday and I feel much more confident about Rev3. I have a lot of great routes mapped out for my running and biking that are close to home; this helps immensely with water/ restroom stops. I'm thankful that my parents live close and allow me to steal their mailbox for a day or evening. I also completed a 50 mile bike ride and a 10 mile run over the last week which increased my confidence even more which means that I'm going for it! Now, I just need to save money to enter the race.
At a recent yoga session, my amazing yoga teacher had me wiggle my way into pigeon pose. It's one of my favorite poses but it is a tough one, especially with my crazy tight hips. As I was dripping in sweat and in anticipation of getting out of the pose, my beautiful teacher began to talk about acceptance and learning to accept the trouble spots in life in addition to our bodies. She knows I'm a stubborn fighter and that I hold things in so much I get muscle pain in various places. She explained that when we get into these uncomfortable positions (in life and in yoga) it's best we learn to breathe through the pain and to also accept. I've been noticing outside of yoga when I'm stressed or anxious I tend to hold my breath and I tighten my muscles almost as if I'm bracing myself. Bracing myself from rejection, disappointment, heart break, bad news, being physically attacked, all of the above, and more creates this ridiculous amount of emotional, mental, and physical stress on my body. My yoga teacher's calm words in addition to this pose really clicked with me at that moment and it's something I've been thinking about a lot.
I'm a planner, I'm goal oriented, I like having control over things, and I like to know what's going on, what I need to do, etc. Up until about 3 years ago I was very black and white, all or nothing. This way of thinking and living was very stressful and I have since learned to hang out in the grey area more and look for more balance and less anxiety over the challenges and obstacles in life.
Even though I'm adjusting to the grey area more, I'm recently torn between just going with the flow of life (Que Sera, Sera) vs. fighting everything, letting my stubborness rule, and taking charge over everything (Carpe Diem). I'm trying to find the balance between these 2 themes and a big part of doing so is accepting that which I cannot control.
I cannot control how people act, speak, or choose how to live their lives. I cannot change people. Some people will always be negative, evil, mean, or engulfed in their own self- pity or selfishness. I can help people by being a role model; but that is all that I can do. I cannot make people listen to me, see my perspective, help me, be there for me, rescue me, listen to me, and so forth. I cannot make people do the right thing and I cannot make people happy. What I can do is give my all without any expectations and just see what happens. Ah! Key word.... expectations! Yes expectations can wreck havoc on someone's positive outlook.
I'm still hopeful and I'm still sure that everything happens for a reason. Que Sera, Sera but Carpe Diem when opportunities arise and Believe, Love, Understand, and Empower. I think I can handle that.