Blue's UnBashful Blog

Blue's UnBashful Blog

Monday, November 11, 2019

Thank You, Veterans

Freedom isn't free.  We have so much to be thankful for because of our veterans.   When I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2013 I felt so much shame.  Not only was I going through all the emotions and reactions from November 26, 2013 ("Pill-Gate"), I was diagnosed with something that I didn't feel deserving enough to have as a result of it. Though I clinically know it is something anyone can get I felt it "reserved" for what happens at war.   I have two degrees in psychology, I understand it...clinically.   Understanding it is much different than living it, than experiencing it. Listening to a psychologist and a doctor explain the symptoms in a clinical way was not helpful at all.   I  experienced trauma before but the reactions to those events were very different. 

Doing myself a great disservice in healing and in interacting with loved ones I tried my best to just "deal with it".  Eventually I begrudgingly saw a doctor and went on medications.  I didn't know what to do or how to fix myself, I was trying to understand what happened to me.  Talk therapy was useless, I ended up repeating and reliving it over and over with no resolution.  The medications made me feel numb and detached from everything. I was just going through the motions of life.  I couldn't sleep, my memory or lack thereof was scaring me.

I sought out veterans groups on social media and started reading posts.  I began to understand my symptoms as others spoke of their symptoms.  Though we had completely different causes of PTSD and symptoms are very different and personal, it helped me feel not so alone.  I was overwhelmed with anger, hyper-vigilance, betrayal, and feeling violated.  I couldn't sleep because the trauma put my body into fight of flight mode and I couldn't stop it.  I was in a constant state of fight or flight.  My body started to burn out from being in that constant state.  My adrenals were exhausted, I was exhausted.   I gained weight really fast. Eventually I became so exhausted that I became depressed and couldn't move.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I was still hyper vigilant and in that state of fight of flight but because I was so depleted it was like putting the pedal all the way down on the gas of a car but not able to go anywhere because it's out of gas, needed an oil change, a new engine, and some other stuff.  I was learning more about PTSD but I still carried shame for the diagnosis.  I eventually went off the medications and committed to healing holistically.  That process was long and full of trial and error and it was all on me.

I read and learned of heroic warriors, veterans,  that went through unimaginable traumas and were living and surviving.  It gave me hope and helped my desire to persevere.  I was lucky enough to meet some of them.      I had a conversation with a veteran, a former Navy Seal.  He was aware of what I went through from the actual traumatic event to the aftermath and he said, "you have PTSD, that's a lot to overcome and it takes a toll on you in every way".  Then it happened.  That conversation, that statement helped me give myself permission to have PTSD and to not feel shame.

Veterans put their life on the line for my freedoms and my comfortable and safe life in America and the right to complain and to even take things for granted.  Veterans have also helped me understand PTSD and the symptoms.  Veterans were/ are role models in perseverance and resilience and therefore helped me persevere.

THANK YOU!


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