Something happened. I worked on myself. I put myself first. I wanted to change. I wanted to let go. I didn't know how, I just did things that I felt were right. I began yoga teacher training, I had amazing reiki sessions. I let go. I think it happened overnight though I'm not sure. It just happened. I'm sure that it happened at the exact moment that it was supposed to happen. Looking back, I remember packing things up so that I could replace my carpets with flooring. I packed things up, most of which is still packed up. I started wanting to get rid of old clothes and bagged them up. Next thing I remember, I was packing up everything that no longer served me.
It began as getting rid of things that no longer serve me but then it became about shedding the old me, letting go. Letting go of memories that I clenched onto because I felt that I would never have new memories that would make me happy. I clenched onto the past so hard that I saved old college papers, clothes I hadn't worn in years, tickets and memorbilla from everything, every moment that I felt made me...me. But, I was changing. I was different. I grew, I moved on, I let go. I no longer feel attached to things, nor people, nor places. I'm over it all. I want to make space for all the good things coming and I no longer feel the need to be defined by things that happened years and years ago. I no longer want things in my life that no longer serve me.
I threw away old swimming trophies from years ago. That time in my life was so fun and memorable but the trophies no longer served me. I kept them above the kitchen cabinets in my house. I'm sure no one saw them. They served no purpose. But, I clenched to old memories so much like I was hanging off a cliff and letting go meant falling towards my death. Quite the opposite it was like I was in Plato's Cave and I was the person that saw the shadows and got out. Now, I want to tell everyone about those shadows, about the attachments and perspective I have gained.
Why do we hold on to so much stuff? In talking with an amazing man that gets IT, I realized that I was holding on in fear of not having good memories moving forward, I held on because I felt those things defined me and I needed to be defined, I held on because I felt like I needed to justify myself and prove myself to others. Ironically no one saw those trophies, pictures, things...so it was not even relevant. I held onto things that came from my Grandpa, things I felt that I needed to hold onto in order to keep his memory alive. I know that my grandpa doesn't sit in the after life watching me and loving me because I held onto a pull over he once wore. My grandpa wants me to live and to be happy and he wants me to feel alive.
We hold onto so much. We hold on to memories, things, traumas, we hold on to everything. In turn, our body holds onto these things and they weigh us down. They hold us back. They prevent us from being present and from moving forward. It's fascinating to me how much I hold onto. I heal onto things for memories and because I felt like I had to display my accomplishments to define me, like I needed to show my worth to others. I am worthy, I am brilliant, I have accomplished so much...I know that now, I don't need to show it or hold onto it. I now know my worth and it doesn't matter what others think.
I felt a strong need to prove myself to others and it overwhelmed me so much that I lost myself and wasn't happy. I kept trying to prove myself to others but the others didn't care, so why take up space? It prevented me from moving forward, it weight me down. So, I let go. I'm letting it all go. Literally, everything...I let it all go. I have an amazing story that will be told but it won't come from a place of justice or vindication, I want to share my story because I want to help others. The events and injustices no longer matter. I'm over it. And it is so frereing. I feel so light. I am making room for things that matter, I'm creating space for good memories, for all the good things coming.
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