B.LU.E. Jeans

If you follow me on social media then you saw my recent post about finally being able to fit back into my pre-politics jeans.  If you follow my blog then you are familiar with the struggles I have had during my time as mayor and most painfully the time following when my term as mayor ended.

I have been struggling with body image, anxiety, depression, trauma, for so long.  Things finally started to turn around when I began yoga teacher training in Jan of this year. I didn't know it then but looking back I see the domino effect.   I remember the first weekend thinking, "oh my Buddha", what did I get myself into now.  I didn't feel ready, I felt out of place, still struggling with weight and all the above.  I promised myself that I would be open and I would just be.  I promised to Be Like Water.  So much has happened this year, it's been a whirlwind.  But, let's focus on these jeans.

These jeans represent so much baggage, pain, struggle, you name it.  When I ran for office in 2011, I ran because I was happy, thought I figured life out, and wanted to give back.  I knew it would be tough but I had no idea how tough.  The carpet was quickly pulled out from under me and I spent 4 years beating my head against a wall and chasing my tail.

After those 4 years, I was in the worst shape of my life mentally, spiritually, and physically.  There was literally 0.5% of me that refused to give up.  The 0.5% is what brought me to today.  Last Wednesday I went to throw on a pair of jeans to head out.  I put the jeans on and noticed they were a little snug.  My first thought was, "oh for fucks sake, I gained some weight again".  My intuition led me to check the size and check my closet.  Turns out I grabbed the wrong pair.  I grabbed the pair of jeans that have been sitting in my closet for years, neglected as I neglected my mind, body, soul.  During my last 4 months in office, I couldn't get those bad boys pass my knees.  I hung on to them "just in case".   I rocked those jeans last week.  My other ones (just a size up) were feeling too baggy.  My thought was, "oh for fucks sake, I'm going to have to spend more money on new clothes since I'm losing weight".  Then, I noticed I had 3 pairs of jeans (tags still on), no idea when I bought them- it must have been years ago.  I found them when I let go of NINE bags of clothes (stuff I hadn't worn in years).  I have been feeling a strong urge to purge stuff that no longer serves me and to create space for better things.    So I tried them on and they fit.... they are new!  I already spent the money so no worries!  Ha!  It's insanely miraculous how the universe has been working in my favor.

I used to think to myself, "Why is this shit happening" (seriously, my 4 years in politics was not normal...it far surpassed all previous traumas and challenges, and I got rocked left and right, up and down.)  Now, I keep thinking to myself, "wow, I can't believe this awesomeness is happening" (so many times, over and over).

Today, I remembered posting on facebook about the jeans and for some reason I checked the size on these new jeans...they are actually a size down from the pre-politics jeans!!!  According to the scale, I still need to drop a few lbs but I feel amazing. Most importantly, I feel MORE confident now then when I wore my pre-politics jeans.  I feel freer, lighter, and more grounded than ever.   I have always been a back of the room, in the corner yogi when I practice at a studio.  I like my safe space where no one can see me and I can lean on the wall.  Last week I went to a yoga practice, laid out my mat in the middle of the room, let go of my baggy t-shirt, and got down to my form fitting tank top where you can see all my curves.  I let go.  I let go of the comfy baggy clothes, the corner, the safety net, and I was just me.  It was an amazing practice and I felt so good.

I no longer want to eat bad food, be around negative people, I no longer want to do or be around anything that no longer serves me.  I no longer want to hide, I no longer want to be quiet, and I no longer want to stay put.  I want to do everything and anything that makes my soul feel good.  I no longer want to wait for the perfect time, or just the right moment, I want to do it all now.

One thing that hasn't changed is B.L.U.E.   I created B.L.U.E, in 2011 when life was great, not knowing what was to come, but the whole time Believe, Love, Understand, and Empower never left me.  I'm so excited for what's to come but I'm focused on the present...right now.  I know if I just Be Like Water and Believe, Love, Understand, and Empower, it's going to all work out as it should and it's going to be better than I could have imagined.  I am ready for it and will rock my BLUE jeans.