I was raped twice, once after high school, once in college. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. I've done multiple triathlons, a marathon, a half iron man, I have my Bachelor's degree and Master's degree in Criminal Justice and Forensic Psychology. I'm almost finished with my MBA. I've worked many jobs, odds and ends things from retail to detention officer and social worker. I've negotiatied with General Motors in Manufacturing, I've been frivously sued for emotional distress over a grill, and I work daily with apartment tenants in a 52 unit apartment complex. I've been told that I'm worthless, won't do anything with my life, and I was bullied most of my school years because I wasn't a skinny cheerleader conforming to high school expectations. I've been chewed out, spit on, kicked when I was down and I've faced challenges and obstacles that most will never see let alone experience by the age of 30. Yet, nothing could have prepared me 2012.
2011 was amazing. I realized that I was a human being, I took chances and faced fears. I challenged myself more in 1 year than most will ever do in a lifetime. I said yes to everything and I reached amazing goals. I learned more about myself more than I expected. I became me, I became BLUE. However; learning and growing never ceases to continue and 2012 challenged me in ways that I thought I could handle and conquer. I noticed these challenges during my long runs while training for my first marathon.
In 2011, I felt that I was mentally tough. I could run long, ride long, ride hard, run hard...I was mentally badass, I was focused and unstoppable. However; during 2012 I was engulfed with negativity, bullying, and so much deciet and lying that I felt like someone hooked me up to an IV and sucked all of my positive energy and determination out of my soul. I would find myself thinking during my runs and not only thinking but stressing and wanting to quit and I would go home and sleep. I would become so frustrated and drained from the negative thinking that I would quit. I found myself in despair and I was perplexed with why this was happening.
I think 2011 was so amazing because I was surronded with positive people, encouraging words, and an energy that was positively contagious.
I cannot go into detail but 2012 was mentally and emotionally exhausting. At times I felt trapped, like I was suffocating. So, I'm a female, a newbie, and I look younger than I am and I told myself that is why I was being challenged so aggressively. However, I kid myself. I was challenged because I'm not status quo, I never have been. I was the girl that stood up to bullies, I always asked why or why not, I hated conforming just because it was what was cool or considered normal or popular. I was told to wear a skirt and I would dress in pants, I was expected to go with the flow and accept what was to be expected.
In 2011, I ran for such a position because I care, because I refuse to remain status quo, because I see opportunity, I won't settle, and I want to make a positive difference in a community, in a world that I truly love. I BELIEVE that things can change, people can strive towards positive, and that people can make positive things happen. Believe me, I don't enjoy being tortured with bullying by those twice my age, I don't seek out problems, I do not long for accolades, drama, attention, nor do I seek out anything in return for that matter. There are leaders driven by power, greed, and control and there are leaders who truly want to make a difference.
I'm so sorry that some get duped into following leaders who preach and decieve, who talk the talk but do not walk the walk. Hitler, Stalin, and Charles Manson all had minions, it's not cool to follow so easily. One should question, challenge, and be innovative. One should be able to challenge and speak to one's leaders. Your questions and concerns should be responded to if such banter arises. I have, however, enjoyed learning about things that I didn't know I did...rumors can be so entertaining.
I digress.....2012.... I was stonewalled, stalled, duped, played, and challenged in ways that I truly was not prepared for though I thought I was ready to take on anything. I don't want to say that I regret anything in 2012 because I have no regrets in life, I believe that everything happens for a reason and every negative experience teaches a lesson. I became burned out in 2012 because I relied a lot on others for direction, advice, and for back up; However, it turns out that none of the above was actually genuine, sincere, or bold enough. Sure, I have people that I can certainly rely on for trust and for venting but those people are either too agressive or too passive and I bypassed my gut feelings. I'm so thankful for the handful of friends that I have been able to confide in without any repercussions. There were some people that I trusted who I knew little about but was so excited to have someone have my back that I ignored red flags and was enticed into the deciet. I lost my own confidence and I lost what I learned in 2011 and I was sucked into negative energy, personal agendas, and well the obvious in politics....deciet. I became fearful and hesitant, things that I thought I had conquered in 2011 after years of fearing, hesitating, and conforming.
Sometimes you want something so much that you lose yourself and you stop listening to your gut and your confidence goes crazy. You start to believe and fall for things that are not good for you. This was a huge 2012 lesson. I missed races, I slept a lot, I was enthralled with fantasies and dreamy/ unrealistic thinking.
2012 was an amazing learning experience. I cannot go back and change a thing, I can only become stronger in learning from my mistakes. I learned that I need to LOVE myself more. I'm worth more than what others chose to give, I'm a good person, and it's ok to be me. It's ok to question, to stand up when I'm the only one standing. It's ok to follow my intuition and to stick to my plan. And for the LOVE of everything, I need to LOVE myself enough to not be distracted.
In 2012 I also learned to UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND that not everyone is like me; yet, they may be facing their own challenges or that they are unique as well and I am no better nor lesser than that person. We are all equal but we have different Karmas, different perspectives, different drives. Some people are so insecure that they need accolades or they need to have their egos stroked. Such neccessities does not make them evil nor does it make them wrong but that is their karma and I UNDERSTAND that more now since being exposed to such people in 2012 more than 2011.
I learned a lot in 2012, towards the end I didn't trust anyone, felt like I was running in circles and I thought I was drowning. Reflecting on 2012, I'm thankful for the lessons that I learned, the experiences that will make me stronger, and the motivation to keep me moving forward.
I became burned out, without a doubt towards the end of 2012. I wasn't taking care of myself, I was too concerned with others agendas, and I lost what I learned in 2011. Not all is lost, I finally had a break and was able to disconnect and I was able to reflect. Now, I'm able to EMPOWER and to share my lessons so that others may either learn from my mistakes or become inspired by my trials. That, my friends, is the essence of BLUE. It's a continuous learning and improvement process....it's life. Beleiving, Loving, Understanding, and Empowering. We must all be mindful so that we can appreciate our experiences, acknowledge our lessons, and move forward to create change. Life is tough so be sure you live it!
I have a good feeling about 2013, I learned a lot in 2012, my experiences are priceless, and I strive to become better at BLUE and I will keep moving forward.
2012....it happens.
Believe Love Understand Empower <3
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