I spent the weekend dealing with all of these negative emotions coming to a peak. Out of control hormones and chick flicks did not help anything; but, I believe it was a combination of things that caused this pity party of mine. I was feeling like I was losing myself. Too many people telling me what I need to do, should do, etc, a lot of unhealthy eating, little respect towards my body and my self, and relying on external factors to make me happy led me to this state that I was occupying. I also missed a yoga session....yes that is a big deal! Alas, I made it through the depressing weekend and headed into the start of a rough week.
After sorting out one of the many anxieties I felt better and so I had a "Come to Jesus Talk" with myself to sort out the rest of the mess. Me, myself, and I have complete control over my happiness and how I feel. I know myself and my body very well and I have made it through very bad things by breaking free of the strings that tied me down for so long. These strings include peer pressure, parent pressure, soceity pressure, negativity, a need to feel appreciated, self abuse, and feeling like I need to fit in and a desire to be accepted. I believe these strings latched onto me again for multiple reasons. Some times I have to break down, take time to heal, and put myself together. I'm sure it won't be the last time I go through this process but at least I know what it looks like and what I need to do to get out of it.
Today, Saturday July 14th, I completed my 3rd triathlon of the summer. It was another sprint, I just had to get out and soak up the atmosphere. The swim was yucky and mucky but it was great mental practice. The bike was smooth and I loved the trail run! I have no idea what my times were, I was just having fun!
I'm feeling very happy and blessed. I am who I am and I'm not changing. Of course there are things that I need to improve and I'm aware of those flaws and I'm working on them but I'm not changing me. I embrace my beliefs, my aspirations, and whatever life throws at me. I'm excited for the rest of summer. My heart is filled with love and I'm happy with who I am. I will not let others take this away from me.
I will be reevaluating my race schedule, doing a few more sprint triathlons than last summer. I love the atmosphere, it's where I'm reminded of my blessings and it provides me with empowerment to tackle all of the other obstacles life throws out.
My turning "31" songs....
This is going to be a great year and there are many good things I have to look forward to, my future is bright BLUE!