Blue's UnBashful Blog

Blue's UnBashful Blog

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Down But Not Out

Everyone has down days, down times, down phases.  It's the roller coaster of life.  Lately I've been spending more time in the downs then I am in the ups. I'm attributing this down phase to a few factors. I guess recognizing is the first step, right?

The first factor that has been bothering me and weighing on my mind is a guy I briefly dated.  I'm really disappointed in this guy because I thought he would actually come through and be different.  The truth is that he was not different and so therefore I'm mad at myself for opening up to someone I thought I could trust and to someone I thought was different.  Note to self: the more someone tells you and promises you that they are "different than all the other guys" or "I promise I'm not like them" the more they are just like the "other guys".  Mr. " I won't give up and I won't hurt you" gave up in much less time than the "bad guys". Go figure, right? So, let me address this with myself right now........

I'm not a mind reader, If I was.....well that's a novel in and of itself.  I can't predict who is going to hurt me or who is going let me down.  I can't predict who I can trust or who I can talk to and who will support me.  I'm not perfect.  BUT, I can be open and I can take risks.  I can keep trying and I can keep hoping.  Eventually, Mr. Right will come along but if I continue to let Mr. Not Right discourage me, I'll end up very lonely. 

The second factor weighing heavily on my mind is my own inner voice distracting me with insecurities.  I love triathlon, I love racing, and I love doing adventurous things.  However, I'm continuously comparing myself to others.  I'm comparing myself to women who are more fit than me, faster than me, etc.  I've always had these body image issues and I'm noticing these issues are still getting the best of me.  Sometimes I find myself thinking, "what the hell am I doing here? I'm lucky if I'm not last, why am I humiliating myself? I don't belong here".  I see pictures of all my friends in their bathing suits and cute racing outfits and then I see pictures of me and think- what the hell, I must look like an idiot to everyone.  Dealing with this "Not good enough" issue has been lifelong and it comes and goes; usually making an appearance when other things in my life aren't working out so great.  So, let me address this with myself right now......

Shut up! I'm not sitting on the couch, I'm doing my best, and I'm not giving up.  It takes guts to push oneself physically and mentally. It takes guts to prance around in a bathing suit when your thighs rub together.  Speaking of thighs, my thighs rub together because my legs are so damn solid and strong! My thighs and my legs have carried me through many miles and they will carry me for many more. I am good enough, I've accomplished many things in a short period of time and I'm challenging myself in ways that others would only dream.  It takes courage to face fears head on and it takes determination to succeed.  So there self! buck up, cheer up, and don't let up. 

The third factor weighing on me are a few negative people in my life.  One such person is my neighbor.  The entire time she has lived here, it's been very stressful.  She is currently moving but it is still weighing on me because it's unresolved.  She ignored all of my attempts to communicate.  I don't like tension or drama so I'm bummed that its ending this way.  It's also reaching a point where I can't take it anymore and she can't move out fast enough.  For this, I will just hope and pray that it gets over with soon.  Another person is someone that I have to deal with daily.  He is weighing on my soul because I see through his BS and the game playing and no one else does or if they do, they are ignoring it.  It's also bothering me because it's taking advantage of someone that I care for and my loyalty is on the defense.  Along the same lines as this above person, there is another similar person who is doing the same thing.  Lying, decieving, and hurting those close to me.  I suppose there is nothing that I can do but continue to be honest and keep on keeping on.  These types of people are usually flushed out- unfortunately it's just taking a bit longer than I hoped. 

I'm a very sensitive person; but I've learned to not take things personal.  Working in customer service and managing an apartment complex- I would be crazy by now if I took everything personal.  I do hurt though, when people close to me don't come through or do what they say they will do.  It's amazing how much a good support system can help produce positive results.  It's also amazing how much a weak support system creates a negative atmosphere and makes things appear to be more difficult than they actually are....

Besides hoping and praying and waiting, I'm still working on the third factor.  Do I really need to try and get along with everyone?  I think that some people are just "energy vampires".  And therefore, "You don't want to spend your time around people who make you hold your breath.  You can't fill up when you're holding you breath."

Another factor is trying to figure out what to do with my life, where I stand in certain aspects of my life, and what I'm supposed to do. I have so much energy and so much to give; I feel like a balloon about to pop if I'm not able to share what I have with the world. These feelings of being disconnected, discouraged, and discombobulated come and go along with other highs and lows of life.  I'm sure everything will work out as it always has.  I have a lot of new opportunites ahead of me, I'm anxious to get started and I can't wait to see how things play out.  This inbetween period may be causing this grief; once things pick back up, I'm sure my mood will too. 
Alas, I am human.......Sometimes frustrations, let downs, disappointments and insecurities happen but it's how we deal with them that shapes how we move forward.  You cannot let someone else's poor judgements and choices affect your own decisions..... or your mood!

Believe in yourself and others, Love yourself and Others, Understand yourself and others, and Empower yourself and others! Everything else will fall into place.

This too shall pass
"Case of the Mondays"

3 comments:

  1. Megan, very well written and very honest and revealing. It struck several different chords with me. Everyone has insecurities and doubts, that's normal. You have several positives things about you and in your life. Focus on those. Great piece of writing.

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