Saturday, February 11, 2017
I have been overwhelmed with positive emotions as of late and I've had a hard time articulating these feelings. At times, I have felt too giddy or too happy that I thought something was wrong with me. Turns out I'm just happy and it turns out I have never been consistently aware of such a feeling. Rather than continue to overthink my thoughts and work on the perfect blog post, I've decided to just let it flow and to share away. I also want to practice my writing and my expression as I feel both have become rusty over the years.
I'm looking at the world and everyone and every situation around me with wonder and curiosity rather than fear and uncertainty. It feels like I've been wearing foggy glasses for years and I finally wiped the glasses clean and can see clearly. Though some things, people, and experiences continue to haunt me, I have learned to deal with them in a variety of ways from diet and mindfulness to self protection and most importantly through self reliance.
Winston Churchill said, " If you're going through hell, just keep going" and those words are so true. In the spirit of Wilson Phillips, "hold on for one more day", It does get better. Sometimes it's not about adjusting your sails, it's about bowing down and facing the storm head on and hoping for the best. After "adjusting my sails", didn't work, I hunkered down, took the beatings, let time pass, and let the emotions come and go. I prayed and begged for it to end, and then I waited for calmer waters. If you are going through bad shit and feel like there is no way out, no support, nothing.....just hunker down and wait. It WILL pass, like a fucking kidney stone but it will pass. Sometimes that is your only option and choosing that option is only up to you. Choosing to live when I no longer wanted to was the best decision I ever made, on numerous occasions.
A year ago, I couldn't get out of bed and I didn't see a future. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a vision for my future nor did I have goals beyond waking up and surviving another day..That was difficult because all of my life I had vision for my future and goals set to achieve. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was moving forward blindly and with little hope.
It has always been strenuous for me to define happiness. I don't remember the last time I was consistently happy; but, I have been "slap- happy giddy" for no other reason than just because. There is nothing more rewarding than surviving what at many times seemed impossible. Happiness is surviving the worst times in life. It's surviving the darkest, most miserable and most painful moments.
For me, happiness comes from figuratively being kicked in the gut, brought to my knees, crying out in pain like someone literally ripped my heart out, and having the wind knocked out of me. It comes from being violated in such a way that at the time seemed irredeemable. ....and then kicked and spit on afterwards by people close to me, complete strangers, and everyone in between..... with my hands tied behind my back while blindfolded. (Uphill battle seemed like an understatement). We all have breaking points, and what one person perceives as devastating is different than what someone else perceives as devastating. Keep that in mind before judging others.
Happiness IS in our control. For me, happiness is wanting to break out in song and dance at random moments just because. Happiness is sincerely laughing, sometimes just because. I laugh so much now and it feels amazing and it feels genuine. Happiness is wanting to get out of bed, excited for what the day will bring AND having the energy to do so! Happiness is being ME, regardless of what other people think and regardless of how goofy I may appear. Happiness is having vision and goals that make me excited and give me something to work towards. Happiness is making other people smile. Happiness is contagious. Happiness is having meaningful connections to others but not relying on others.
Happiness is feeling happy regardless of weight gain and how your clothes fit, it's' loving myself for once and for all! ( I honestly think I gained this weight to learn to love myself unconditionally, I didn't love myself without it) Happiness is being happy regardless of who is around you, and regardless of material things. How do you define success? For me, success is being happy, it's being challenged mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually...in a healthy way. Happiness is knowing, truly knowing, that I don't need to rely on anyone for anything and knowing that I will survive.
I am now successful, I am happy, and I am hungry (it figuratively feels like I haven't "ate" in years). I am voraciously hungry... hungry for improvement, hungry for movement, hungry for exploration, immensely hungry for love and connection, hungry for achieving my goals, and hungry for knowledge...most importantly I am hungry for helping others. I still have really bad days, but those days are outnumbered by my happy days and that is how I know everything is ok and everything will be ok and because of that I know I am happy. And I know that I am resilient and tenacious. I am a survivor of many things, and that is badass.
I'm elated to share my appetite with you and to share my journey. I will post as things come to mind, rather than wait for weeks and weeks to pass as I try to create a perfect blog post. It will never be perfect but I need to share. I need to inspire and I need to help. There is too much pain, desperation, and emptiness in the world. I want to change that.
Thank you for following, please contact me via email (firstname.lastname@example.org) with any questions or insights or leave a comment. And please share <3
Believe Love Understand Empower.
I needed me a me for as long as I can remember so I became a me, to me. Now, I can be a me to others ♡. You have the power to save yourself, to heal yourself, and to love yourself. Believe, Love, Understand, and Empower yourself....then empower and help others Believe, Love, Understand, and Empower themselves. It's a fabulous cycle! Be your own hero, then go be a hero to others ♡