Blue's UnBashful Blog

Blue's UnBashful Blog

Friday, July 8, 2016

35 Alive

My sis is 10 years, 8 days younger than me.  When I turned 25 she wouldn't shut up about me being "half way to 50" LOL.  Now she is turning 25 and I will be 35... half way to 70!  70! Holy shit time goes by fast Batman.  And Where did the time go? It feels like turning "30" was not long ago, yet so much has happened since then.  I remember coming into the big 3-0 and thinking, "Yea, I understand life, I'm on the right path, I'm making big things happen, life is good".    Life is a cycle of good times and bad times a cycle of feeling happy and feeling sad.  Often times I wish I could go back to my big 3-0 and start over.  I wonder what my life would be like now had a chose a different path. However, I know within every fiber of my being that those tumultuous 4 years happened for a reason and those experiences and the knowledge gained will serve a greater purpose in the future.

 Moving into the second half of the "30",  I want to live more, to give more, to love more, and to definitely laugh more.  I spent the last 6 months hibernating, healing, trying to understand "WTF" just happened, feeling defeated, and feeling lost.  I also felt very alone.  Tough times reveal true friends and the last couple of years revealed that my parents were/are my closest/ true friends.  Though I love and am eternally grateful for my parents, this highlighted the fact that I didn't/ don't have close friends, confidants, or a partner to help share burdens and provide support .  This was and still is painfully felt.   My parents did so much for my broken spirit and wounded "wings".   I am eternally thankful.

I isolated myself as a defense mechanism, a healing tool, and because I surpassed my quota of back-stabbing, two-faced, fake, evil and untrustworthy people in 2012.  Taking office I truly had no one to trust.  I became and am still very cautious of people especially after the following story....  I had above and beyond the "average" trust issues due to specific traumas and violations,  damaging my willingness to be trusting of others.   My position required at least one trustworthy person I could rely on and who wasn't so vehemently against me.  I gave one "last chance at trust" to a person in 2012.   I remember this person pretending to be someone so helpful and loyal.  This person sought me out and befriended me on social media years prior.  This person's "alleged" background ( I say alleged background now because I since found out much that was exaggerated and untrue)  looked great on paper and this person was portrayed as a trustworthy, intelligent, honorable, person that would be great for the position needed.  I remember the exact time,  location, and the exact words this person told me as my trust hesitations were obvious , "I can't help you if you won't trust me".   I wanted to not lose all hope and all faith in humanity,  I wanted to give one more try to trust and so I responded, "Ok. Yes, I will trust you".  Four months later, I realized I had been duped and it was the dupe of all dupes.  This person ended up being the worst of the worst, at the worst time, in the worst way.....this person was the worst case scenario.  I now realize this person's sociopath character.  I now recognize all of the red flags as I reflected back. Upon reflecting back to the beginning, I realized several red flags were raised, many of which I remember at the time having negative intuition, a sense in my gut that told me "no", "this is wrong", " that doesn't make sense", and so forth. I also understand that I ignored the red flags because I was hoping they were wrong.  I was so desperate for the support and needed the help.  I did my best to recover from the damage this person did and to move forward because there was too much work to be done.  Another significant distrust occurred in 2013. Long before I was in office,  I had an emotionally abusive boy-friend from around 2006/7 through 2009 and 2010 ( see blog post Forgive and Forget ).  My ex-boyfriend's abuse became physical on Christmas of 2009, and I had to call the police.  I later found out in 2013, when my life became publicly scrutinized and attacked across northeast Ohio  (see blog post I will not drink and drive...because I said I would)  , I learned that a police officer took my personal file from that 2009 incident and shared it with the media, hoping to continue their character defamation campaign. Being re-victimized is always such a "delight" (sarcasm).  Such vehement personal violations, attacks, and flagrant actions (not to mention some were illegal) take away a person's ability to trust in everything.  In short,  trusting and making new friends is overwhelmingly difficult and I imagine it will be for a while. For the last several months I found that isolating myself was the best "remedy". 

As soon as my mayoral term ended,  my mind, body, and spirit just "collapsed" from exhaustion;  like a tree falling over after being see-sawed back and forth for a period of time with whatever those tools lumberjacks use...."TIMMMMMMMMBER" .    I was beyond burned out.  For 4 years it felt like I was in a boxing ring, boxing a never ending fight, with no breaks, several opponents in the ring with me that punched, kicked, and threw me around, with no coach, no "water-boy",  no referee, and in a cage!    It was like being on a non stop merry- go round, when my term ended I got off the merry-go round feeling dizzy, disoriented, and off -balance.  That is what it felt for the first 6 months.  It also felt like I was banging my head against a wall for that period of time, a brick wall, with spikes sticking out....Oh and it felt like several giant sucker punches from the  Incredible Hulk. 

Since leaving the  "circus", I decided that I won't be participating in any races this year (no triathlons or half marathons) , a decision that did not come easy but was necessary. My main "body" goal this year is to lose my "political" weight (literally 40 lbs (40 fucking pounds!)  piled on faster than I could say "give me that last piece of pizza") over the last couple months in office, and to figuratively lose the weight that comes in anger, hurt, disappointment, and violations.   I will recover from the diagnosed adrenal fatigue with my holistic doctor (lots of vitamins, nutritional supplements, low impact exercise, whole foods diet,  and of course rest).   I will start training towards next race season.  Though,  I will do a couple of 5k's this summer  because it's something I enjoy, and I love the positive and supportive environment.  Finally, I will focusing on  having a kick ass off-season and make a comeback like the Cavs in this year's championship!  I am sincerely looking forward to having an amazing 2017 racing season and am making plans already and I can't wait to earn some more bling!  

I'm also continuing my education (as I always do....."Don't Stop Le-earning") through the Institute of Integrative Nutrition working on health and wellness coaching and  through A.C.E. (American Council on Exercise) working towards my personal training and group fitness certifications. This knowledge, combined with my personal experiences, previous education, and my gifted intuition will EMPOWER me to help others with their health and wellness journey (something I have always wanted to do) .  Mind, body, and spirit health is a necessary combination for success.  I can't wait to help others holistically heal their mind, body, and spirit.... after I heal my mind, body, and spirit.  

I was recently offered an amazing career opportunity, one that I have dreamed of for quite sometime and it was offered out of the blue, an exciting surprise!   I will FINALLY be able to utilize all of my skills, talents, experiences, and education (no more getting stonewalled by ignorant, self-serving, sexist men in politics with personal agendas). Nothing is worse than knowing what to do, how to do it, and wanting to do it, then being stymied, stonewalled, and stopped.....because arrogance, ignorance, sexism, jealousy, and unethical reasons....  such were the reasons my hands were tied in politics.   I am damn proud of myself for trying politics and I gave my all as mayor- (seriously I exhausted all efforts and options.).  I was able to make a lot of changes that most don't and may never know about and there are still things in process that will contribute to the positive changes I was successful in making happen.   

I want to give back and support organizations and causes that mean a lot to me and that are needed.  I unfortunately backed off from many of the volunteer and service organizations that I was a part of as a result of being entrenched in and completely focused on my mayoral position beginning in 2012.  Who knew a "part-time" $12,000/year salary job (at first I honestly thought the mayor position was volunteer)  would take so much time and energy! Bettering my community and helping the residents and businesses was my priority and took at my attention.   I didn't take the position on the for the money, I am not a career politician,  I don't have to rely on being elected to make a living.  My ego doesn't need stroked, the title wasn't "prestigious" and needed for a power trip.   I attended meetings for several years as a resident and noticed that the community was desperate for many changes and the people wanted the changes. I chose that path because I cared.  In taking office, it was worse than I expected.  Everything needed attention and many fires needed to be put out.  In addition, most everything was terribly and embarrassingly out-dated, sub-par, or non existent.  If I had a computer in my inherited mayor office, and if I had a staff coming in taking over previous computers, I'm certain that all of the "m" keys would have been removed.  Fortunately for me not having to go through papers and files was easy; but, it was (still is) unfortunate for Ohio Sunshine Law guidelines that should have been followed....not even a dust bunny was left! My temporary password for my new email that was given to me was "jump in a lake"  LOL.  

I look forward to working with new organizations and re-joining the organizations I enjoyed so much.  Giving is what I grew up observing of my parents, it was how I was raised.  Giving back through volunteering, fundraising, serving on boards, giving back in any and all ways is something I have always done, always will do, and always will enjoy.  "No one has ever become poor by giving"- Anne Frank.

I've been dreading the big "35" for the last couple months. I was grasping at hope, waiting for a miracle, thinking "I'll start tomorrow....", wishing prince charming would show up and rescue me, wishing that friends would appear and help push me along,  I was dong a lot of wishing but NO ONE can create your happiness, your success, your motivate but YOU.  You have to be your own hero, always. 

I woke up this morning, Friday July 8, 2016 feeling lighter, hopeful, excited, and pretty bad ass.   I knew this day would come, when I would feel this way.  It's a familiar process for me, as I have previously gone through/ recovered from everything from grief, to trauma, and anything in-between.... From all of the down times, I've learned what works and what doesn't work me and each time I improve on my "bounce back".  I take time to retreat, to rethink, to just be, and to rest.  After a period of time goes by, from a week to a couple months to a year, when the time is right, I literally awake from my funk. I don't forget and it may take longer to forgive but I am able to move on.  The "35" dread is gone and it has turned into excitement, hope, readiness.  Our bodies (mentally and physically) are amazing, they know what to do, when to do it, and when to signal us to start creating action.  You just have to listen and that comes with time.   I think it's important to go through "the process" and to not push too soon, recovery from anything can't be forced;  otherwise,  I don't fully recover.  My triathlon training taught me many lessons that are applicable to life.   It's important to recover properly after long endurance feats to avoid burnout.  There are an abundance of such lessons to share down the road.  

 I am overwhelmed with excitement for all the possibilities moving forward.  All of the ups and downs, traumas, bad experiences, failures, upsets, wicked people that cross our paths.....they are all great experiences, teachers, and opportunities for growth.  I've had a lot of people ask and I've asked myself many times, "why do good people always go through shit and the bad, ugly, corrupt, and evil seem to always get away with shit and live long".   I have thought about that at length and this is what I have come up with" In order to grow in life spiritually and mentally, you have to go through difficulty, you have to be tested, to be pushed outside the comfort zone.   If  you are a good person facing turmoil, obstacles that seem never ending, if you are going through what seems like a never ending slap in the face, whatever obstacle you face, it is because you are being given an opportunity to grow mentally and spiritually,  to learn, and to gain better understanding and wisdom.

 I can say with 100% certainty that every single person that hurt me, gave me a hard time, violated me, wronged me, and so forth is the same person they were years ago and they will continue being the same, routine, evil person doing the same stuff in their small "box" .  When I was in office there were so many "haters".  I have files and recordings full of those slandering, gossiping negatively, illegally causing harm and so forth...and I feel bad for those people.  They wasted a lot of time and  energy  and some even wasted money supporting their negative cesspool. Psychologically it was a myriad of things that drove them to do what they did and the reasons ranged from jealously, deflecting from their own wrongdoings, trying to fit in with the "cool" kids/ group- think (being a minion to a psychopath),  being over controlled by their wives at home and therefore being over controlling outside of the home, arrogance, narcissism, and some were just bullies.  There was one sociopath and two psychopaths, I'd love to be a fly on the wall in those homes.  (Human behavior has always fascinated me)  These people spent/ spend time on facebook being a keyboard warrior rather than traveling, learning new things, making memories with friends, reading a book, and the like.  AND that's all they will ever do, it's all they have ever done, and that is it.... To me that is not living, THAT SUCKS!!!  Give me pain, trauma, disappointment, failure, embarrassment any day over what those people did, do, and will continue to do.  I want to live, to give , to love, and to laugh. I want to Believe Love Understand and Empower!

The big "35"  is the year I take back my life and "Unfuck myself".  It's time to be who I was before all that stuff happened that dimmed my fucking shine, and to shine even brighter. It's time to move from caterpillar to butterfly.    I am so excited and I can't wait to share my story from the years past and I look forward to sharing new adventures, challenges, and excitement that is to come! 

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