Blue's UnBashful Blog

Blue's UnBashful Blog

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Forgive and Forget (Contains explicit language)

At the top of my lungs, with the loudest voice I've ever had- I scream and I yell with tears rolling down my red cheeks
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.  You are wrong, enough is enough
fuck you for lying about little things, about big things, about everything.....
I spit on you for using me- using me for attorneys, for researching all the ways to make your life better and easier, for using me as your crutch because you were too weak to deal with shit yourself.  Yes, you weak, disgusting asshole- how dare you verbally abuse me so that I feel compelled to do your dirty work. I do your dirty work and stare at the phone while you are out with Amy, god I hate that name. 
As I finally start to gain some strength- you come back again- this time you come back and really dig that knife in my back, in my heart and in my soul. 
Broken femur? Lose it all again?  Call me up, I'll be there- I'll be there with a love so strong, with a love you don't deserve. back and forth to the hospital- got your son, took care of your dog.  I tell the nurses, as they look at my with pity and disbelief that I allow myself to be treated with such disrespect and humiliation, "It's ok- he's just going through a bad time". 
I give up everything- work, the gym, family- everything while you take over my house so that you can feel better.  But, I'm just taking care of you as a friend- and by saying that- it justifies the text messages and phone calls to Amy while I go run errands for you- get the groceries, take care of your son- I'm the housewife with no ring and no perks. 
The worst time of my life was while you were on my couch and in my house.  You took over everything with your foul mouth and your nasty ways. 
I bathed you, did everything for you.  When you saw me second guessing what I was doing- you said all the right things to make someone with such a big heart stay- threaten suicide, tell me how messed up I am and how weak I am- that will make me stay, that will make me come back for more. 
Finally well and on your way- you keep me close by just in case.  Just in case you have to file for bankruptcy and need some money and more attorney connections and someone to drive you around and to keep doing your dirty work.  But don't worry about me and my heart. 
You piece of shit, I hate you so much- but I keep coming back.  This is just a rough time, things will get better, you're under a lot of stress, you say you really love me. 
Another summer, you moved locations and I'm not able to see if you are lying to me or not but I think Amy really did leave.  She was smart or something like that. 
and so the roller coaster doesn't end- another crappy birthday, more yelling, moer fighting. Maybe he's right, maybe it is me, maybe I am doing something wrong.  I don't dress the way you want me to, I don't forget your disgusting name calling and put on a happy face when you tell me to- it must be my fault. 
He's still going through a rough time, I'll wait it out. 
Another holiday, more debt- a big fight and some of my favorite things broken in his rage- tossed around the room after he breaks through my door.  Officer, "no matter what happens, a man has no right to hurt you, especially physically".  Naive girl, "I know I know, I started it, it was my fault, he's under a lot of stress, I'll be fine". 
and it keeps going like the fucking energizer bunny into another year.  Keep making me feel like shit and I'll become numb, I'll become so numb that I don't do anything and I keep putting up with it- that's your plan, your motto?

I should've listened... "Megan- you have more stress than he does, everyone does- that's no excuse".  "He has that look in his eye- a real nasty look, like he could really hurt you." "If he lies about little things, he lies about big things" "You haven't even been with him for a couple of months and you are already taking care of him and going through this stress?" "You're not happy" "You're young, take a step back and think things through". 

Get the fuck out of my life- I'm done, that's it.  leave me alone.  I had to say that at least 20 times before you stopped ringing my doorbell at 5AM.  Officer- I'm sorry to bother you but this dude is at my door and he won't leave can you please remove him?  thank you!
months later- an email, are you kidding me?  leave me alone.  I'm begging you to leave me alone but I do nothing.  Just as you did nothing all of those times I was crying and begging for attention and you ignored me.  you mean mother fucker- you ignore me like I'm a piece of trash-  you ignore me until you need me again.  Well I have nothing to say to you- that's it, I will not acknowledge you, I will not fall for it anymore.  Enough is Enough. 

Regret and Anger directed inward
I'm such an idiot.  OMG, what the freaking hell was I thinking.  3 years?  really?  Master's Degree in Forensic Psychology.  I studied serial killers, psychopaths, I studied bad people.  How many red flags did I get- from day 1?  A milllion? 2 million?  How did I let this happen, why did I let this go on for so long? I hate myself, I'm such an idiot. I set myself so far back in so many ways- how could I?  Yelling at the top of my lungs- screaming and yelling with tears rolling down my red cheeks. 

Ok, now focus.  you have no choice but to focus, you have no choice but to move on- now do it.  You're no dummy, remember?  Remember Grandpa? You like challenges, this is a challenge so face it, deal with it and conqueor it.  Everyone goes through shit- some more than others- some things are worse than others. It is what it is, now move on. 

I'm trying but everytime I think I have, I'm reminded of something and that anger and that pain creeps back up and I can't do it.  How do people forgive?  Is it really possible?

Oh- and you can almost see the light bulb above my head shine.  My t's are crossed, my I's are dotted- my mind is clear and my heart is open.  Every cause has an effect- past lives, living in the Now, compassion, wu wei. 

I forgive myself.  I forgive myself for being so negative and hard on myself, for the blame and the guilt, the anger and the pain.  It happened but now it's time to move on and get going. 

 I forgive you- I forgive you for the things you've said and the things you've done.  I forgive all of the pain from your mouth and from your hand.  I forgive you and I wish that you find happiness in your life. 

Breathe in this entire chapter, all of the bad memories and bad emotions- hold it.... and now Breathe it all out, all of it, every last drop of it- get it out of your system. 

A tear falls down my red cheek and the weight is lifted from my shoulders, that negative force is gone now.  Now I can move on.  A big smile forms across my face..... and on I move. 

1 comment:

  1. MF..
    Wow.. You are such a great writer.. for the one whom rarely speaks..haha (its sweet though)
    I really loved your honesty and Have been through similair history..(sucsks..but growth never comes without pain and deep learning!)- for that I have to remind myself to be happy and so grateful for the path that does hurt.. I know you have come soo far... you shpuld be so proud,,keep on keepin' it real sista!!