Blue's UnBashful Blog

Blue's UnBashful Blog

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Summer, Oh Summer, Where did you go?

Summer, Oh summer, where did you go?

I cannot believe how fast my favorite season came and went.  It was not what I planned, with regards to training, triathlon, heart, work, or anything.  It started off so perfectly but it flew by and everything happened so fast.  I completed several triathlons and road races but towards the end I think I lost myself.  I didn't do the Rev3 this year.  I didn't take my birthday vacation, I canceled my fall vacation.  I spent a lot of days in bed depressed, sad, or exhausted.  It happens. I made these decisions and will have to move on.

I forgot what I stood for and I focused too much on others.  I was worried what others thought and how others felt.  I'm not sure why, for these same people did not worry how I thought or how I felt.  August was the most difficult month, filled with overwhelming emotions and decisions to be made.  I desperately wanted and needed someone to reach out to me during this month but I did not get what I had hoped.  All I needed was a friend that would listen to me and help me through these difficult times.  When everyone calls you at all hours of the day with a mouth full of words longing for direction, an ear to listen, and comfort, who do I call upon when these same troubles worry my heart? 

Well no one was there.  I acted out with hopes to draw attention to my desperation.  I broke down.  In a conversation on a Tuesday night, I begged for the above but what I got in return was, "suck it up".  Ok, well I've been down this road many times before.  I took this piece of harsh advice, I came home and broke down.   And so began the "Megan shut down process".  The process where I block everything out, I put on my game face, and I go out and handle this shit......on my own.  And I did, I handled it and I dealt with it.  I am thankful for those who love me for me and try to not change me or control me. 

But learning from past behavoir and challenges, I knew that I didn't want to shut myself down and to become numb.  I want to feel and I want to grow.   Becoming numb is a defense mechanism that I'm very familiar with- as a result of having no other choice, it's how I survived in the past.  I crawled back into my shell like a turtle startled by oncoming strangers or threats.  This defense mechanism works but I think it makes me bitter and thus unhappy. 

So... I reflected back on the me I became in 2010 and when I started B.L.U.E. and I got back to the basics. 

I started with removing myself from negative, unsupportive people. I surronded myself with postive people who believed in me, as difficult as that may have been.  I did the things that I enjoyed and put myself in the atmosphere which promoted what I wanted to accomplish.  I started reading books that reminded me of what was important and illustrated what I wanted to be.  I researched the Axial Ages and read the history of Budda. 
The most awesome thing about going through rough times several times is that you begin to learn a lot about yourself.  You begin to learn when enough is enough and when it's time to step back, reflect, and find your balance.  I must say that it does get easier with each time I fall.  Each time it gets easier and it take much less time to jump back up.  Experience is a teacher. Experience is a map to follow when you fall off course.  I'm greatful for each and every experience because it has helped me grow but it has also taught me how to get back up when I fall. 
While summer was a very dark, lonely, confusing time for me I have also learned a lot and I bounced back up faster than past times I have fallen.  I'm looking forward to some new adventures and I'm really looking forward to some time off, at some point, I hope.  I cannot control how others treat me but I can control who I will allow into my life and how I will react. 


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