The Misunderstanding of Megan the H.S.P.

 All of my life I have felt misunderstood, unheard, unseen from everyone. I quite literally have felt like an alien. Years ago, I was really upset that someone didn't get me and I was venting to a friend and she said, "Megan, not everyone is like you.  They don't think like you or get things like you. You're really different".  That gave me comfort, oddly. For a brief moment I took those words to heart and saw a different perspective. But I still felt like an alien in the grand scheme of beings. It's been an ongoing discussion with myself, in my head.  Loved ones telling me I "need" this or "should go do" this to feel better or for anything. Those statements or suggestions cut the deepest because it was so obvious that I was not being understood. 

All of my life I have been over- understanding of others. I remember things they say that others forget. I have gone out of my way to make others feel heard, seen, and understood. I thought that everyone was born with this way of behaving. Even further, I know things. I know when people are lying.  I know when I'm being duped. I grasp things quickly that others do not.  I just see things differently and it various ways. Granted, I have not always listened to myself but I can go back and remember that voice in my head saying, "this person is no good, they are going to do you harm" and I would learn the hard way. I feel things so deeply. I understand the word "empath" is really overused these days and I stopped using it because many just don't get it. But I feel things on such a deep level and they exhaust me.  I feel others emotions, their pain, I understand them probably more than they understand themselves.  I get it. And I really thought that we were all born this way and that other people would get me so deeply the way that I get them.  But they never did and it always broke, breaks my heart. 

I felt like my dog, Bruiser got me. He just got me. He knew what I needed and when. Losing him has been the most deeply painful experience of my existence. Because he got me. He knew my love language.  It was almost as if God knew all of the things that I would be going through and he sent me Bruiser to help me.  And he did.  Even his death he is helping me now. Six months has felt like an eternity. It has also felt like an ayahuasca trip that I did not sign up for. I have been cracked wide open and I have felt things I never knew possible. It's incredible how 15 pounds of fur and unconditional love made me feel so safe and grounded and understood. My little Bruiser, my greatest love, my bestest friend, my most loyal companion, now you are my greatest healer.

My partner Angelo may not always get me but he showed up for me and loved me in the exact way that I needed to process grief. He didn't try to change or fix or rush anything. He holds me and lets cry and doesn't let go until I am finished, rinse and repeat......many, many times. I never knew how powerful letting me in my feelings would feel. I have been very lucky to have him in my life.

As I was scrolling through streaming services to find something light that will help me relax before bed, I stumbled across a documentary, Sensitive the Untold Story . I was in awe the whole time watching it. I stopped feeling like an alien. Interestingly enough I always felt drawn to Alanis Morrissette. I loved her music. Her song, All I Really Want, felt like it was written for me, like she understood me and wrote a song for me. Alanis was featured in this movie as an HSP, a Highly Sensitive Person. I have heard the term before no doubt. I feel like the word "empath", the term sensitive person is also over used so I didn't pay too much attention to it. However, highly sensitive people are actually a thing. Psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron did extensive research as she became aware of her own gifts. There ARE others similar to me and others that GET it. Granted, I haven't met them (or maybe I have met some?) and we don't meet monthly for support groups but still.....I'm not an alien. What a powerful revelation that has brought me some peace and much less frustration with.............................so many people. 😬 It would have been really helpful and powerful for me to understand all of this when I was in high school but I suppose the lessons are what is important. It makes a huge difference in my life to learn this at the young age of 42, one less thing to contemplate over.