On March 12th we helped our dear sweet Bruiser cross the rainbow bridge just a few days shy of his sweet 16th birthday. It was and is the hardest thing I have ever done or experienced, hands down.
Just a couple of days prior I ended up in the emergency room. I woke up from a sleep with a high heart rate, panic, dizziness, heavy chest. Luckily (?) I live across the street from the emergency room so it was a short drive that my partner made for me while Bruiser was sleeping. Allopathic medicine is like an abusive ex boyfriend. It does nothing for me and when I'm vulnerable and desperate I get sucked in. That experience will be another post.
Being the worrier that I am, I have been anticipating losing B for years but nothing can prepare you for such a loss. When we took a trip over the holidays to see family in the north, B had a seizure. It was horrific and I didn't think we would be bringing him home. I said my goodbyes on the drive to the Vet ER in NY as I held him. That whole time I showed no emotion. I was so focused on keeping Bruisey calm and feeling loved that I shut my emotions down quite easily. He came home with us and I rarely left his side for the next few months. We made trips to the vet, I researched and tried hail marys and I loved on him so much. And I jumped up when he needed rescued or helped from falling or not being able to get up. He became my sole purpose and focus. I wanted him to know how much I loved and appreciated him.
Looking back on the last few months I recognize that I was pre-grieving or had anticipatory grief. That is a thing! I have all of this book knowledge and wisdom with regards to the nervous system and the mind body connection. But, all of my experience have been with working through past grief, stress, and trauma. Why is that? Well because with all previous traumatic, stressful, grieving events, I shut down or pushed through. I dismissed my experiences because I thought that's what I should do. I held back tears as much as I could, I put on a happy face, I faked it. I was told to let go, move on, don't focus on the negative, be positive, think positive thoughts and when I talked about the "stuff", the feelings that I was feeling I was dismissed and invalidated. I didn't know it then but looking back and going through this I recognize it quite clearly. What happens when we're not able to process our feelings and negative experiences? Our body remembers and it stores it for later because it needs to be processed eventually. And that's what I have been working on....processing past traumas, body work that releases that energy, and the like. But this experience is brand new.
I have never experienced anything like this loss, this pain , this sadness in losing my soul dog. Bruiser was there for me through trauma, through negative, he was there for me when I wanted to end my life, he literally woke me up from night terrors, licked away my tears, and when everyone else dismissed me or wasn't able to show up for me in the way that I needed (which is fine, I don't blame anyone.) he was there. He was there when I was awake all night scared and angry. He knew my love language. He grounded me. And that's why pets are so special, that's why they can be service animals, the unconditional love, constant friendship and loyalty.....it's just so precious and their lives are too short.
I'm learning so much with this new experience in grief. My partner did something that I never knew I needed before until it happened. I started crying and Angelo came right over to me and he held me. He let me be sad. He didn't tell me it was ok or will be ok because he knew it wouldn't be, it wasn't. He has done that for me each time that I break down in tears. And the tears come in waves and they come unexpectedly and he drops what he is doing and he holds me, he hugs me, he lets me be. The first time he did it, I thought to myself as I was balling my eyes out, "oh, wow. This is helpful. I don't have to tense up or choke back my tears. I can let the snot run and the tears flow and he doesn't let go. He doesn't let go until I am done processing that cry. I feel safe. I feel seen. I feel heard. " And I realized that when I feel held and supported and validated I can process emotions in real time. I can move that energy and not hold onto it for years and years. That is so powerful and incredible.
I'll be here sharing this experience in grieving and processing. I feel compelled to share, to start writing again.
Rest in peace my dear sweet Bruiser. I miss you so much it literally hurts.
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